Friday, October 21, 2011

I don't like roller coasters anymore.

It goes without saying, it's been a trying week here.  I've been carrying this load on my shoulders now for 3, almost 4 months.  It's a very heavy weight.  Pulling a minimum of 16 hour days.  Waking up and being mom, getting my daughter off to school, keeping Tommy occupied and engaged ALL day, running errands, doing mom stuff with my daughter, trying desperately to spend a minute here and there with the hub, wrestling the dogs, home school on top of all of that.  I started slacking.. giving Tommy more free time.  He doesn't do well with free time.  Anything more than 45 minutes, he's either going to fall asleep which will lead to a CRANKY rest of the day, or have him up all night. It really boils down to boredom.  WE'RE BORED! The weather is cold, wet and windy, so doing anything outside it out.  Going anywhere is out also because money is tight now that we're not going to school anymore.  

This week, has just been ... trying.  We had one incident that came SO FAR out of left field, we all were left with the WTF!!! look on our face.  We're sitting here watching tv. Hubs and I chit-chatting. Tommy was on the Laptop, and Brianna was doing her homework.  A Fiber One commercial came on. You know, the one where the parents are trying to trick their son into eating the NUMBER ONE cereal? (the dad is covering the FIBER word on the box)  Well, this INFURIATED Tommy.  He jumps up, runs over to the Cable box, and begins ripping it out of the wall.  I run over and start wrestling the box out of his hands.  Hubs runs behind me and is catching everything falling off of the shelf in the process.  I inform him "this is UNACCEPTABLE behavior, now it is time for bed."  He didn't fight back... surprisingly.  I follow him upstairs, and lay with him to make sure that he's calmed down.  The next day, he's informed that he gets to watch ZERO Mad TV videos on youtube as punishment for touching the cable box.  He's actually ok with this.  We go over the rules again.  We talk about our options when commercials come on that we don't like such as changing the channel, turning the tv off, even just closing our eyes.  He's just going through the motions with me at this point.... but, we do successfully reach the UNDERSTANDING. That comes later.

The next day, dad preforms the update on his iphone.  We hadn't sync'ed it a few weeks. No big deal... yeah right.  He takes his phone up to his room and comes down about a half hour later.  "where are my 40 pictures!?!"  Dad looks through the phone, and there's nothing there.  All the pictures are just GONE.  Dad, being the electronic GENIUS just looks at me with a blank stare.  I immediately take him upstairs to lay with him while dad FIXES (!!!!!!!!!!!!) it.  While we're laying there, i'm just trying not to say anything.  I'm already exhausted and running on fumes. Its almost 9pm.  I'm pretty much done for the day.  We're about 30 minutes into laying there when he taps me on my shoulder. I open my eyes. (he typically speaks in a mono-toned voice) He says "i want my 40 FUCKING pictures RIGHT NOW you FUCKING BITCH!"  Yeah I just lay there.  My whole INSIDE has now, crashed.  Rock bottom? Oh I'm on my way.  If there was a negative thought, it was going through my body.  I calmly get up and come downstairs and inform hubs that if he doesn't get those pictures back, to start preparing the house for implosion.  He got the hint.  An hour later, he preforms his magic and returns the iphone to Tommy.  The world is ok again.  I however, am not.  I see it all coming back to where we started.  

The next day, is home school day.  I spent the day going over the schedule.  We had a lot to do that day.  Not really WE, mostly me, but he wanted to come along for some of it.  No big deal really. Well we start the morning off at Walmart to do our shopping.  I've got my list, he's got his.  We work to get all of our list items.  All goes well.  We get to the check out and we're moving along. All of a sudden, he moans and is holding his stomach. "my stomach hurts!" It startled the checker, AND me!  We were almost done so I took him to the bench and went back to pay.  But by the time I got back to him, he was giggling and he seemed fine.  So we head home.  He heads upstairs for some free time (dad was home) and I head out to take Brianna to the Orthodontist (actually dropping her off there and hitting 4 stores to get some sale items). That appointment got all screwed up and ruined the rest of the day.  So, I had to miss MY appointment with the Gastro-Doc. *sigh*  Oh well, home to relax finally.  I get back home and inform Tommy that he has 1 hour until Home School starts.  

Well, 15 minutes before he arrives, Tommy's turned into Satan.  He refuses to get out of his bed.  I lure his with anything.  Food, tv, computer.. NOTHING is working.  Then, in a voice as CLEAR as day he says "get the FUCK out of my room.... NOW!  Yeah, I'm not looking for a physical fight over 1 hour of home school.  So i call the instructor and cancel.  By this time i'm INFURIATED!  I am so mad. All I can do is cry. I leave him in his room and just come downstairs (because he can't handle seeing anything outside of NORMAL when it comes to emotions. Sadness makes him mad/upset)  The more I cry, the more I just fall apart.  The next hour and a half, he just stays in his room.  I had removed his remotes and iphone from his room, so he had nothing to do in there but stare at the ceiling. 

Later that night, we are going through the routine as we usually do.  I go to get him out of the shower and he's not quite hysterical, but really wound up. I'm trying to dry him off and he rushes over to the potty and says "I HAVE BLOOD!" Blood!? What do you mean you have blood.  I look at his legs.. and there's a stream of blood coming down his leg.  WTF!?!?!!?  He's having issues with getting his stool to pass.  Once its out, i go to check things out.. blood, in the toilet.  O M G. Of course, I fall apart again.  It's all making sense.  The crankiness. The stomach aches. Holy shit.  

The next day, I call the doc.  She's out of the office, and under the circumstances, I don't think it's a good idea to see the doc in the practice that he's not familiar with. So we take the appointment on Friday to see the regular doc.  Note- the blood has lessened, but is still there. 

So yesterday, I am determined to get through to him.  If you don't feel well, thats one thing.  TELL ME and we'll cancel school.  You DON'T Curse me out, and act like a complete asshole.  He looses his madtv for a second day. He's ok with that.  He's issues a punishment/consequence for being non-compliant for homeschool.  After breakfast, I explain to him that his behavior in regards to missing homeschool was completely unacceptable.  He "works" for hotel stays.  I inform him that if he still wants to go to the hotel in the winter time (that's a whole other story) then he must do work for me around the house. Extra chores.  He understands.  So yesterday he did every piece of laundry in the house.  He sorted, got the loads started, added soap and fabric softener.  40 minutes later, he's switching laundry over and repeating.  When the loads were dry, he'd fold EVERY piece.  Of course I had to refold things, but the point what getting across.  With every load, he was reassuring me that he will get to go to the hotel in the winter time.  We have dinner, and shower.. still doing laundry in between.  Last night at 8pm, he even put every piece of laundry away.  I lay him down to bed and he says "mom, we're all better for homeschool. I will work next time".  YES! He GOT IT!

Back to the cable box.  We always watch Conan on the DVR during our dinner time.  It's one way we can spend time as a FAMILY.  He's not one to join in on conversations so .. this is how we manage.  We're all big fans.. so dinner time is great.  ESPECIALLY since Conan has his BEARD AGAIN!!!! (yes, Tommy's growing his beard again also)  During the episode, there is a commercial for State Farm/ Cars 2.  Very surprising since I had to BRIBE Tommy to watch 3 minutes of Cars 1 hahahaa! Anyhow, he was SO EXCITED about this commercial, he ran to get the camera and tripod.  He RECORDS the commercial, and immediately edits, and puts it onto youtube.  He wants to SAVE that episode of Conan on the DVR.  So step by step, I show him how to save the recording.  BAM!!! He's so happy to KEEP that episode.  Thats when it happened:
"Tommy, that Conan episode is not on the TV. Its IN the cable box. Remember when you punched the windows vista and everything was gone forever!?!?!" He replies yes. "well, if you destroy cable box, THAT CONAN, with CARS 2 commercial, will be ALL GONE. Do you understand?"  He sits there, and replies.  "ford cares".  Why does ford care?  HELL IF I KNOW! He ran off to go watch his video he made.  We did talk about this several more times.  Even the fiber one commercial came on since.. and there was no touching the cable box.  He just ignored. it.  I'm hoping this lasts.  If it doesn't.. well, what can i do.  In the meantime, he's very protective of that Conan episode.  *sigh*  Ever feel like our lives are nothing but non-stop mind games? Yeah... and my doctor THINKS I have PTSD.  *smh*  Thinks? pssh!


  1. Wow, I am exhausted for you just reading that. Does he have a dx other than Autism for that type of behavior, is it all one in the same?

    K and I have been home alone this week. Things are perfect if I let her do what she wants and ask nothing of her. Calm. Awesome. It is so freaking tempting to just let it go...just get a week of mostly CALM (at home, at least. School and public is different, but I will seriously stay in the house all week if it means a break). I know I have to keep the routine, though...blah...and have expectations and not let her run the show...but I am having to force myself b/c I haven't seen calm like this since she was in my womb...

    And I hope you rescheduled YOUR appt.

  2. He does have a dx of Intermittent Explosive disorder. If I let Tommy run the show he's perfect too.. but it's only for a matter of time. Eventually, it blows up in the end. Routines are so important for him.. but exhausting for me. I did reschedule my appointment. Monday. *sigh* I'm really not excited to go. Hubs is making me :/

  3. What can I say? You are, presumably my future. And you are strong. You say you're tired after all that and gawd almighty, I would be crying for days - and depressed. It's the hardest job in the world but we love them so much we just keep on going. All the good moments weigh pretty heavy to help us get through the crap. That laundry job was fantastic and I sure as hell hope he gets it about the cable box! But I know, we often feel like we're walking around a time bomb or on eggshells. I prefer the eggshells. (((Hugs))) Go, get a massage before that appointment - that's the least you deserve!!

  4. I don't know what to say Rhonda....just ((hug))

  5. I could see this sort of thing making me SO depressed and isolated that I'd need to see someone. Not that you have time for this. . . but are you seeing anyone for YOU? Do you even think it would help?

  6. I have NO idea how you do what you do. Always sending good thoughts your way!

  7. Karen- ((hugs)) thanks sweetie :)

    Christine- ((hugs)) thanks :)

    Jim- Oh where do I start with you hahaaa I've been to many therapist. many many many. I come from the ULTIMATE of dysfunction with my family. Between alcohol and drug addictions it was all I could do to just LEAVE the family I grew up with. So yeah.. once Tommy was diagnosed, that put me over the edge. But here's the thing. Therapy doesn't help. You can talk, and cry, and be judged over and over because that particular doctor feels a different way than you on the Autism topic. It boils down to this. They don't walk in our shoes. They may know about the disorder itself, but they can't HELP me. Talking about this, doesn't HELP. You cry, and cry and talk.. and you still get to go home to the same thing that got you there in the first place. 3 years ago my dysfunctional biological alcoholic abusive father finally died of cirrhosis of the liver. Tommy was on a downward spiral. I went to therapy. After a month of therapy I had gotten SO depressed, i refused to leave the house. I was OVERLY medicated, and just thinking about talking to the therapist would make me cry uncontrollably. Therapy is a WONDERFUL tool for people that can FIX their lives. There's no fixing this. There's no coping tool you can teach me that will help me COPE with the fact that there are NO SERVICES for our children as adults. There is nothing a therapist can say to me to make me feel better about having to call the police on my son, and have to take him back home with me because "there's no beds available" in a psych unit. My other option? I could send him to a juvenile detention center. Therapy cant HELP that. I've tried to talk to therapist about what its like to get hit by your child. Said therapist notified me that he'd have to report abuse to the authorities which could end up with my son being removed by social services. Again, there are no beds available, so guess where he'd end up- juvenile detention. It is INCREDIBLY depressing, and so isolating that I hesitate to go there with most of you because your children are still young. And things are more "in place" for your children than they've been with kids our kids' age. I hope NONE of you have to deal with what i've had to encounter with services and schools. Tommy's kindergarten school didn't know what autism WAS. Try starting an IEP off with DEFINING AUTISM. *smh* Aside from the fact that we're drowning in medical bills from the last hospital stay, and medications, and copays. I refuse to get caught up in paying weekly copays for therapy that is just going to make things worse. So No.. i don't see anyone nor do I think it would help. I cry.. a lot! And I have a fantastic husband that is my greatest supporter. I've learned to cry, blow snot.. and pick up and move on. My drive, is to keep Tommy safe, at home.. with his family, for as long as possible. If I have that.. then we're doing pretty darn well :)

  8. I don't think I'd like your roller coaster either.

  9. you have just showed me what my life will be like as sammy gets older. he can be so volatile and he is only 7 now.I am so in for it

  10. Oh Rhonda, (((((hugs)))) And I was all yelling at my computer, "NOT THE CABLE BOX!!!" You poor thing. We should time or breakdowns so we can at least call each other when we're circling the drain. Sigh. I feel for you, I really do. Such a trying week. And to end the post with a smile. You are my idol, you know that? You did great, you really did.

  11. Annemarie- yeah, i kinda had that gut feeling with Tommy too. I braced myself for puberty. lol I'm still hoping i just make it out with most of my sanity. It is what it is. You just go with it :)

    Thanks Lizbeth.. im so glad this week is over. I'm still doing the same things, just with no alarm clock. I really am sick of that alarm clock lol!

  12. My pretty-darned-wonderful occupational therapist thinks that autistic kids don't leave adolescence until they're around 25. So the teen hormones swirl around until then. Afterwards? Life gets a bit more peaceful. I've no idea if she's right, but even though that means I have another 6 years (help me someone) it won't be like this forever. I don't know if this reassures you or makes you want to put your head through a plate glass door. Me? I just need to know it will stop. One day. In the meantime? Chocolate.