Hello fellow citizens!
What the FRICK is going on in this place?!!? At first, I thought it was just me. Like, I had some negative rancid karma bad luck thing going. BUT IT WONT STOP!
Have you HEARD? The Playstation network has been down for 4 days now. 4 FREAKING DAYS!!!!!! This is the ONLY console my man-child plays! And, once again, you're down. This time, its REALLY down! Not just down in the sense of you took the entires home station and destroyed it for a month for some STUPID Killzone 3,467 whatever advertisement for a MONTH. Now, you don't even have a TIME LINE for when this is going to be working again!? This translates into.... You can NOT view your trophies. You can NOT play online games. You can NOT even log on to your account. So now we're sitting there looking at a WAY OVER-PRICED DVD player. This man-child of mine is barely keeping it together. Oh, did I mention my mother-in-law is visiting during all of this. Yes. The timing couldn't be worse actually. Tommy can barely handle her in the house right now. He's too preoccupied with asking me 3,000 times a day "when is the PSN going to be fixed?!" I'm sure today will be the end all. He has school today and his routine is to come home and turn on PS3 for a bit and gets 7 minutes on the headset. HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! Yup.. i'm a bit pissed, and mentally DRAINED! How many times in one day can a person ask the same question over and over and over. You cant tell him to STOP asking the questions because that'll just start a whole new line of questions of "why cant i ask about PS3?" Yeah, I've tried every way possible to sidetrack this kid. Nothing is working. He's spending his days pacing and sleeping. Hoping that when he wakes up, everything will be "ok" again.
Dear Playstation- I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny thing is.. when Tommy asked for this console some time ago, my husband was DEAD SET against getting it. I really had to FIGHT to get this damn thing for Tommy. Hubby INSISTED that its a piece of shit. Personally, I thought he was just too inlove with his xbox to have another console share the same space with it. He was right. This IS a piece of SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could get him OFF of this Sony obsession right now. It would REALLY help my insanity level. I literally fell asleep with the pillow on my head last night trying to NOT listen to the boy stim himself to sleep talking about the PSN being down. Of course when my alarm goes off this morning.. he's sitting up just staring at me. "Hi bub!" i say. He replies with "is the PSN working?"
If Ohio had cliff's, I'd jump. My brain cant take another minute of this. So, of course Playstation puts out a new "update":
"I know you are waiting for additional information on when PlayStation Network and Qriocity services will be online. Unfortunately, I don’t have an update or timeframe to share at this point in time.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Yup! Went just as expected. I have to be extra nice to the hubby tonight because I drug him there too. (he worked the midnight shift before, then had to drive 40 miles to sit in a meeting for an hour and a half, and then drive home 40 miles. I know.. he gets to sleep in tomorrow lol) I had 2 motives for him being there. 1 for the simple fact of, this is a new facility (established building remodeled to a vocational center). I've got to see it twice.. once with the (20) kids inside and once without. Hub's never got to see it so I wanted him to have a perspective on what Tommy will be doing. (he was oh so thrilled to accomidate me *sarcastic smile* ) The second motive was to take the attention off of me (and my war wounds) and have them focus on the hub since(!) he rarely gets to poke his head in there. Well, it went into the toilet lol
So yay! No school tomorrow! Passover? I call it, sleeping in.
One of my biggest faults is, I am honest. Sometimes, I don't know where to draw the line. Oh well, screw it. I spilled my guts. All over the table..lol This is the first time EVER where we have a team, even The head of pupil services for our district (tommy attends school OUT of district. Out of COUNTY even). But, they all really want him to succeed. Not just pushing him along So, i'm going to just go for it. I have one half of me thinking I should be careful and not be so honest about the last doozie since it had nothing to do WITH school what so ever. But, right there at that exact moment, I thought, they needed to know. If anything, we were able to talk about how he's now going to be transported to and from his jobs. Additionally, we added into the behavior plan exactly how they'll handle the situation if it DOES occur in public (state laws have very strict rules as to how the teachers and aids can handle him if he blows a fuse. LAST RESORT being restraint. With Tommy, if you wait THAT long, you're going to have a serious problem on your hands) *shaking my head* I'm glad i followed my gut though. It opened dialog that needed to be addressed. I've excepted that this may be his last chance with keeping him in this program. I just have to keep reminding myself of that sometimes. Besides, if we're hiding things from one another, how are we going to all be on the same page and keep the best interest of Tommy in mind. I just wont be telling the Hub this.. "yeah thanks for coming, but i changed my mind at the last minute.. but hey, you got a great TOUR!" hahaaa Oh? Hmm, I don't think he reads these. lol
So yeah.. he'll remain part time (3 days a week, transition into ESY (which is 3 days a week as well) and in the Fall, transition him into 5 days a week. This is probably the easiest IEP we've ever put together. Almost all of it consisting of problem solving skills and appropriate peer interaction.
So yay! No school tomorrow! Passover? I call it, sleeping in.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Things have been going so good. I mean, really good. I'm not a pessimist by any means but, I felt something coming. I had just spoke on the phone to a friend of mine yesterday.. that something is coming. I didn't know if it was going to be me that would blow or Tommy. It's like, I could smell the storm coming. And, it did.
The sale was on. We were so excited. We were going to go to Kohl's. Tommy loves Tony Hawk shirts. Not because he loves skateboarding. That requires exercise. Tommy is opposed to that. He loves the designs. I love them because he looks like a very handsome "typical" kid when he wears them. He blends in perfectly. If allowed, he'd rather wear PJ's around the clock, or a suit. Neither blend well.
Due to the RIDICULOUS gas prices currently, I thought i'd make the trip after getting Brianna from school. We don't live IN town, so i'm thinking -conserve gas- . So after lunch we had some time to kill. Tommy wanted to take a nap. No biggie. I go to wake him up.. and there it is. He's cranky. BUT, still wants to go to Kohl's. Great. So we go to get Brianna who turns out, would rather go hang out at her friend's house instead of shopping. I should have just stopped there and went home. But, I didn't. I thought- Ok, I can take Tommy to get his shirts, and just go home. I'll take her tomorrow instead. No big deal. So we're driving and Tommy seems annoyed. He wants my phone (the blackberry). This was the source of the last major implosion. He wants app's like the Iphone. The blackberry crashes constantly. This infuriates him. The ONLY app's I use are Facebook and Twitter. I have the weather bug app on there that he likes. It's usually safe. He loves to look at the weather radar. I figure, ok, let him look at his radar and we'll just get this whole thing over with. This is not what happened.
Our town is a small town. We actually have a Town Square. We made it THAT far. The app freezes. I'm watching him try to break the phone in half. I don't even care. We've got insurance for that. He notices that i'm circling the square to head back home. Thats when all hell breaks loose. I make it to the red light next to the Farmer's exchange. He gets out and starts running (he's not fast what so ever). I pull into the parking lot of the tattoo shop and go after him (duh, left the truck running). We tumble and I land on top. I've got the calmest sounds coming out of my mouth but inside, i'm freaking out. The guy on the forklift moving hay, drives over and asks if he can help. YES PLEASE!! I explain to him that this is my son, he's autistic and is having an outburst. Please don't call the Police. I will TELL YOU if/when i need you to do that. Thats when I realize someone is in my truck. I don't care about this either. I realize it was the SUV behind me. He's turning my truck off. I instruct the forklift guy to go get my purse (for meds). He comes back with my purse and moves the forklift so nobody can see us. (i was very afraid someone was going to call 911 FOR us. It always looks horrible for those that aren't used to this. For us, it's controlled chaos. To the police, it's domestic violence an Tommy would be sent to the psych ward) The other guy parked his SUV on the other side of us so we were boxed in against the concrete divider wall tussling in the gravel. The men are mortified. They want to help and just don't know what to do. I give them the easy part. Just hold his arms. I've got his head and i'm taking the blows- not wanting anyone else to get injured. A few people were stopping and the man's wife somehow got them to leave. I don't even FEEL the blows. I'm completly focused on keeping his head in my hands. He bangs his head on anything as most self injurious people do. We were on concrete. I was scared. Tommy's quickly comes to. The meds take effect quickly because he chews them (thankfully). In between scratching and biting, he's telling me he's sorry and he loves me. "I know you do bub. Mom loves you too. It's going to be ok" Then he takes a nice chomp into my leg. That one hurt the most. "I love you mommy! I love you!" I'm choking back the tears as hard as I can. I'm trying to convince him that we are going to get through this. I'm repeating myself to the 2 men. "Thank you so much for you help. You are such wonderful people" By this time, Tommy's calming down. He's laying in my lap crying. He see's that i'm bleeding and hurt. The forklift guy puts his hand on my shoulder and says "you're doing good mom. you're doing good" Tommy looks up and see's the blood on my face. He tried to clean it off for me. I can barely move my hands because he's bitten them so much. They look like balloons from the swelling. Tommy says "i want to go home please". The guys help me get him in the truck" I look back at the guys and cry. "thank you so much. but I have to go".. They're still in shock by what they had to witness. I get in the truck and drive away. 2 minutes later, I see the SUV behind me. I'm assuming they're following me just to make sure I get home ok. I pull into the driveway and see them turn around and leave. I wish I could thank them again. I don't even know who they are.
We get home and I lay Tommy down. The meds have him almost sedated now. My hands are throbbing. I go into the bathroom to soak them in cold water and see what i look like. I just drop to my knees. How in the hell am I going to attend the IEP on monday looking like this!? By then, My most amazing husband comes home. We clean up the wounds. Have ice on what can tolerate pressure of ice being on it. I lay down next to Tommy. We just hug eachother for the next 2 hours. Dad comes up and tells us pizza is here. Tommy looks at my hands and my face. He kisses all of my owies. "i'm sorry for owies mom". I know you are bub. I know you are.
I read a really heart-felt blog last week about a woman, and why she chooses to live with her abuser. That abuser, is her autistic child. I can relate so much to this woman. I can't imagine my life without him. I couldn't imagine my life without EITHER of my kids. The good times, surely out-weigh the bad. This certainly isn't the perfect life. But, its MY life.
Happy Autism Awareness month. This, is our Autism.
Friday, April 15, 2011
As if most of you haven't caught on.. i've had a trying past few days here. Surprisingly enough, it didn't have anything to do with Tommy at all.. well, mostly.
My mom always says "bad things happen in 3's" . Well, Please let that be right because, i'm done now. lol
1- Tommy's decided that on school night, he needs to sleep in my bed. I don't even care at this point. Sleep where you want. Just wake up and go to school willingly! Well, sometimes his meds can put him into a deep sleep. And it happened. I was awaken at 4am with "mom, i peed the bed". NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I have a king sized bed. I'm so tired. I get him in the shower as i wrestle the dogs out of the bed making sure they weren't in the line of fire. I strip the bed, and throw some towels over the area. Too tired to yank the shampoo'er out at 4am. Get the boy in the shower and ... cry. Cry because I am just TIRED! I have an IEP coming up on Monday and i'm very nervous about it. Nervous because, things are going well currently, and I would greatly appreciate if they would CONTINUE to go well. Lots of anxiety. LOTS... of anxiety. We get out of the shower and manage to sleep the last hour and a half in peace.
2- After a disastrous night of sleep, we manage to get up smiling. We get out the door only running 5 minutes behind. No biggie. We're about 2/3 the way there, and i hit my blinker and rather than hearing dink.. dink.. dink.. I hear dinkdinkdinkdink.. the bulb blew. UGH! Irritating!! So I drop him off, and head out to replace the bulb. The last thing i need is a ticket for a non-working blinker. (this statement is key to the next statement) Go to walmart. They have every bulb BUT the one I need. Bastards! I have NO tools in the truck so I grab pliers and.. I dunno.. these things. I dont know what they're called, but i know they'll work. So, I go across the street to Auto Zone. They have the bulb! THANK YOU AUTO ZONE! So, i pry off the cover, and stick my new fancy tool in to undo the nut. hmm the 8mm is too big. The 6mm is too small. Of course, there's no 7mm. I manage to keep my composure in the parking lot. I walk back in with the look of utter desperation on my face and ask the gentleman "please help me before I lose my mind". He laughs. He grabs his handy dandy tools and comes out and gets my nuts off (thats what she said! haha!) We change the bulb out and WHAALAAA!!! I have a working dink.. dink.. dink... blinker again. Unfortunately, he lost some skin from his knuckle in helping me but, "i think that is in the job description" hahaa
After this.. i just was done. I go to the library with my laptop and lunch box, and plan on just vegging until it's time to get Tommy. It was beautiful. Endless blasting of music on my ebarbuds. Watched some First 48 streaming from their website.. *sigh* I needed that time.
3- So i get Tommy, we're heading home... blah blah blah. The drive is long.. and boring. And... boooorrring. I've calculated that once i get past the exit for the last town, i can set the cruise control to 80. I know all the spots the PO-PO's hide. We're good. Well, we've been out of practice being out of school for 2 month. I round the corner, and see the po-po. He's not even hiding. He's hanging out under the overpass, leaning against his car, with the radar gun. I see him hightail it to his driver side. I KNOW he's coming for me. I'm just going to pretend that he's not.. so I pass him and .. WHOOOSSSHH!! Those cars have some GREAT pick-up! He's behind me.. ugh! The lights come on.. dammiiiittttt! I start preparing Tommy while pulling over.
Me- "Bub- mom's in trouble. There's bad-boys behind us"
Him- "cover ears?"
Me- "no sirens, just lights"
Him- he looks behind us.. and see's the cop. "why trouble?"
Me- "i was speeding. I am going to be punished. He's going to give me a ticket. It will cost a lot of money"
By this time, the cop is at my window.. Tommy starts Laughing and this is what follows...
Him- "BAD BOYS BAD BOYS WHATCHA GONNA DO!!!!"
The officer- (trying not to laugh) do you know why i pulled you over
Me- I was speeding. I looked down right when I saw you.. I was doing about 80
The officer- I just need your license and insurance.
He takes them and walks away. I'm explaining to Tommy that the song bad-boys is the song for the TV show. That the officers are not the bad boys.
The officer returns and explains that he's just giving me a "courtesy warning" to keep an eye on my speed. He also apologizes for taking so long, his computer was giving him problems. He hand me my stuff and looks at Tommy and says "have a good day sir" Tommy responds with "goodbye mr bad-boy officer sir!!!" hahaaaa I love this boy.
I wish i could stop there.. because as mama said, it happens in 3's. Well, apparently life has forgot how to count because last night I was given not only a #4.. but even a #5.
4- We're putting around here last night.. I surprised the kids with pancakes for dinner! It was delish!!! I was feeling a bit adventurous so I let the kids know we were going to run out to the store after dinner (ran out of frozen waffles for breakfast). So we finish the dishes and i had the bright idea of - lets give Tommy dessert BEFORE the store, so i can avoid the asking for the coveted Twix when we're checking out. So he sits down to eat and BAM! He spills his Soy milk. Really, we don't need to cry over spilled milk.. we all know this... but for Tommy, the world has just ended. It got on his pants which IMMEDIATELY had to be taken off. I'm staying very calm trying to keep him calm. Its not working. I'm cleaning it up as fast as I can while Brianna is already refilling his cup .. he's pissed. Tommy can you get me 3 paper towels please? Of course not, he brings me 20. Then decides to blurt out random words like COCK! DICK! BITCH! ASSHOLE!! We're ignoring him. He's trying to get a reaction out of me. I won't give it to him. Well, I guess he learned a new word. I'm not sure where.. I'm going to assume it's youtube because this isn't a term we use around here. It went something like this.
"Here bub. Mom got it all cleaned up."
Me- "here's your soy"
Him- THIS IS GAY! THIS IS GAY!!"
Brianna and I are just looking at one another.. He eventually sits down and begins eating his desert. Of course, the trip to the store is OFF now.. I walk to the medicine cabinet.. he got a half a pill, and i got the other half. (disclaimer. I don't take my son's pills! We have a prescription for the same anxiety medication!)
5- once again, our water cooler leaked. 5 gallons. Hardwood floor. Its not the first time. I'm done with this damn thing. Luckily, I caught it before it leaked into the basement. But still.. enough is enough!!!!! At that point.. it was time to call it quits. I got Tommy into my bed, gathered up the dogs, and went to bed.
Today, i WILL have a good day! There will be therapeutic shopping involved. Tommy's VERY excited to get some new Tony Hawk shirts. Brianna's stoked to go shopping for her 8th grade graduation dress. AND... i will be driving the speed limit.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Completely .. utterly.. lived.
Im in a blog-war i guess. I try to not read what i don't believe in (gfcf, biomedical etc). I've been down those roads.. i know what the scenery looks like. I refuse to drink your kool-aid.
So this morning someone posted something about 'hey look at this' or whatever. I don't even remember how i got there.
Anyhow, there was this video. So I clicked play-
I saw this and was confused. First I thought, "how can i get one of those!!!!???" (it's not easy being home alone with both kids when Tommy loses control. I usually end up at the ER or the Dr.s office) So then, I read what the person is saying about these. How they're so horrible. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?! Horrible?? Have you ever tried to restrain a 200 pound man-child?! So, we're going back and forth.. i'm trying to REASON with this person(s) of how this is a USEFUL TOOL for those of us with aggressive ADULTS. (thinking maybe this is a mom of a younger child that has absolutely no concept of what puberty is going to do to her child(ren))
My bad, there i go trying to be nice again. Still struggling with learning that lesson. Then i get this response--
We wrote of our horror at the thought that rather than using other alternatives, this school appears to be jumping to a full restraint use. The horror is for the children who should be capable of being better assisted; if the school can't provide the quality intervention that allows for alternatives to physical restraints then the child is inappropriately placed. (she's clueless to where my son attends school apparently lmao!) And if the child is so severe that physical restraints are it, the child doesn't belong at home or in the school until the aggression can be managed better. There are other ways. Unfortunately they take time, training, research-just to name a few. Unfortunately, that is not what is offered in many schools.
Oh i wish i believed in Jesus.. so I could use the term "oh lord.. help me jesus".. Since I don't.. i'll quote Homer Simpson.
HELP ME JEBUS!
Some people just disgust me. I can't even waste my time with this bullshit today. It just PISSES me off how close minded people are. Let's just NICE autism away.. thats the ticket. YEAH! *rolls eyes*
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The worst part of puberty is, of course, acne. I was a fortunate teenager. I didn't suffer from acne to the extent that some of my friends (and boyfriends) did. My son however, is a pimple making machine! Most boys are though right? Well, here lies the problem. Me, mom, the grown-up person.. has this horrible -fetish- i guess you could call it, with popping pimples. I LOVE to pop them!!! It's quite fun. I don't find it gross what so ever!!! whoohoo!!! So being blessed with this pimple machine of mine.. has created quite the issue in my house. I never KNEW he was going to be so gifted with pimple creations! But, over the years, I guess my -fetish- kinda rubbed off on him. We tried proactive- MAJOR JUNK! We tried most of the "solutions" the drug stores have to offer with no true success. He's got super sensitive skin, and everything was making it worse. He, himself! was making it worse! He can't seem to keep his hands off of them! When he realizes there's a new pimple, we must STOP the world and run to the bathroom or nearest mirror and pop it! After we're done popping it, we must pop it some MORE! Then when there's blood coming out of what used to be a pimple, we'll just wipe our face on whatever is near us. Sheets, towels, walls.. we don't judge. So it goes without saying that every mirror in my house has a spray of zit-film on it. I've been trying to break this obsession of his. We see the dermatologist now who gave us some AMAZING lotion which has significantly decreased his ability to create these monsters. Well, he still picks. It saddens me because he's starting to make scars on his face :(
So I came up with some things to maybe DETOUR his obsessive picking.
- Red means STOP!!! (re-blood) That has actually helped a LOT!
- When we see him picking, we remind him that he's going to look like a zombie. I really thought this would work. Dad is a tad obsessed with zombies (aren't you prepared for the zombie takeover? No? Well, we are!) Well, its not working. Now, when I see him picking I'll say "Tommy! What are you doing!?" I always get this reply "im picking. Cuz i looka like-a zombie. I gotta USE my brains, not EAT the brains"
USE YOUR BRAIN! DON'T EAT THE BRAINS!
Friday, April 8, 2011
I just got an email from the school. I guess for Autism Awareness month, Fox News came out to the school for a spotlight. Tommy's fairly open with information such as "mom thinks Fox News is JUNK!" Oh how I wish he could have been there. I could see it now. Happy Autism Awareness Day.. FOX SUCKS! hahaa I wonder if they would have aired that? Hmm.. the world will never know.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Did anyone ever tell me Happy Autism Awareness LIFE?! Yeah, if it only lasted a month, then I'd be off somewhere with a career and a LIFE! Instead, I am here with my gorgeous man-child trying to get things prepared for him to transition back to school (WORK) after refusing to attend the past 2 months.
So now, Autism Speaks wants us to buy blue lightbulbs and put them outside as a SIGN of autism awareness month. Really? So my kid throwing a raging fit in public isnt awareness enough for you? How about the 4 computers in the basement that he's ripped to shreds for it not working properly. How about the 6 trips to the ER he's sent me on for biting my arm to the bone, or biting my leg so hard his tooth broke. How about the 32"tv that flew across my bedroom because he didnt want to go to school. How about the 2 other tv's that are in the guest room that he's destroyed. Is there some Awareness funds I can get for all of this?? Because I tell you what, Autism Speaks CEO is banking over 600k for ... what? You want me to change my facebook page, to do whatever to my twitter??? Seriously, Im still trying to figure this blogging thing out!!!! They all can SUCK IT! You want some awareness???? Here's some awareness for you.
1- Be aware that if cartoons are on anywhere near this child, he will explode. He hates cartoons. A LOT!!!! PBS especially.
2- Be aware that if you try and take his food away from him, he WILL hurt you.
3- Be aware that if you SOUND angry to him, he will BE angry to you.
4- Be aware that if you talk to him, he more than likely isn't going to talk back
5- Be aware that if you take him down the candy isle, he will vomit. A lot of autistic people have sensory issues.
6- Be aware if you say you're going to do something you MUST do it.
7- Be aware that if the electricity goes out, you've entered hell. Hell have no fury like this child with no electricity.
8- Be aware that if you don't change the channel in time and a swiffer commercial comes on, your cable box will be punched and will no longer work.
9-Be aware that the sounds of sirens HURT his ears!
10- Be aware that even though he's bigger than me, he's still my baby boy and if you hurt him, i WILL kill you.
11- Be aware that his food can NEVER be touching.
You see.. Autism SPeaks, speaks for their pockets. If you want to show your awareness, try to NOT STARE when our kids are stimming in public. Stimming is comforting to them when they're feeling a bit overwhelmed. Talk to YOUR kids about being kind, and patient and explain to them that some people are just different, and that its NOT nice to be rude. (yeah right, most ADULTS have issues with this!) If you're unable to do these things then...
12- Be aware that I WILL be in your face to correct your actions. Just as I will call my child out on acting inappropriately in public, I will do that for YOU too. Because, I care.
13- Be aware that, if I am in your face, I am fully prepared to handle the consequences of my actions. Are you?
With that being said.. HAPPY AUTISM AWARENESS DAY!!!!!!!!!!