Positivity

Positivity 

As the Warrior becomes more and more sensitive to his surroundings, the ability to maintain strength and positivity becomes increasingly important.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This past year has been the hardest year of our lives here in these 4 walls.  We've been fortunate to overcome so much with Tommy in regards to keeping our family in tact.  Through all of this I've let myself absorb not only the stresses of OUR life, but I've allowed others to lay their problems on me as well.  I feel as if I've become a doormat for people to drop all of their problems on.  I've always lived by the motto of LOYALTY. I can be loyal to a fault.  


If you've been on my Facebook lately, you've seen the dramatics.  Am I losing my mind? Absolutely.  I am losing it and rebuilding it stronger, and better.  While being everyone's shoulder to cry on, or being the one to call share in their GREAT news without ever turning in the conversation and saying "how are YOU doing, Rhonda?" or even better, only call when you need information on Autism and never hear from you again, has provided me with some much needed perspective.  Clarity if I may.


I'm tired of having my buttons pushed. My threshold tested. I'm tired of accepting things for what they are and not demanding better in my life.  I deserve more, as does my family. I'm REALLY tired of being made to look like a flaming asshole.  For a very long time, there's been not a lot of happiness in my life and i've come to realize that, *I* am the one that has the power to change this.  I MUST change this.  Not just for my own sake, but for my families sake as well. They deserve a happy mom, a happy wife.  Not someone that is constantly worried about our problems, and everyone else's problems as well.  I am the only one accountable for what happens around me, as well as others are the only one accountable for the situations they are in.  


Today, I choose to continue my focus on Tommy, and transitioning him into adulthood. Today, I choose to focus on my teenage daughter that is going through all of her FIRSTS in high school.  Today, I choose to give my husband 100% of ME. The good part. Not just what's left over from everyone else.  


Most of us have been given options in life.  Paths that we CHOSE to go down.  We're held accountable for those decisions.  Some of us, were never given the options. Some of us have been given a life where someone else has to make safe decisions FOR us.  This is my job.  I have to make safe, reliable decisions for my son. I have to do this with a clear head. With people surrounding me that understand our situation and that support our situation.  Not by those that harness negativity and offer no support, but only negativity.  


Further, since it's become such a topic around me lately, we all know I feel very strongly about my "faith".  I am very passionate about my atheism. THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HATE YOUR RELIGION!!  That means, stop being Hippocrates. Believe what you believe and believe STRONGLY. Stand behind it! I don't want to fight about your belief over mine.  It really bothers me when people say they're one thing.. then something happens, and all of a sudden, they're something else.  I suppose there's no way to avoid fake people in the world, and we just have to move on.  I'm working on this one :)


Today, this is the promise to myself. To my husband. To my son and daughter.  To my life.


Today, life is good.  

NeuroPsych meeting w/district

Ok, we made it through the meeting!


Most of you know that I've been hanging on to the edge with my fingernails lately about this meeting.  It hasn't seemed as if we were moving forward with anything.  It felt as if we were passing time with no direction.  Which, what really my intention when it comes to academics in Tommy getting the credits he needs to graduate.  In all honesty, I've been really having a tough time with the concept of- is this it?? Is this going to be as GOOD as it gets with him? If so, it's ok.. I guess I've been looking for someone to TELL me. At the same time, I already knew the answer and have been... losing my mind, in trying to come to terms with things.


So here's what went down.  The Director of Student Services, and the Neuro Psych came out to the house to meet with us.  We went over what exactly the Neuro Psych eval will consist of. **this is the part I've been concerned about.  I've been really torn, that they were going to tell me he is un-testable.** There are so many different parts to this test.  I'm going to summarize what pertained to Tommy because, that is all that we were referring to.  


The cognitive part of this test, Tommy IS un-testable.  It's a memory test of which a story is read to them. 25 minutes will pass, and the student will have 25 minutes to remember every part of that story.  Its a very time oriented test, which can not be broken up without altering the results which, makes the test pointless.  Tommy's attention span on a good day is 10-12 minutes with a method of doing a preferred task, non-referred, preferred, non-preferred etc. There's no way that he has the tools right now to measure this.  The most we can do is work with him to extend his attention span. As far as the cognitive ability, it's repetition and raw memory. Something we already knew. The rest of the test however, CAN be altered in the way questions are asked and/or presented as well as time that is spent on each section can be adapted.  So, we will go ahead and do the rest of the portion over time.  


Speech is going to be increased with the Neuro Psych piggy-backing with the testing. We're going to also add a back-up speech instructor so that when "life happens" (kids get sick, people get sick, stuff happens) the ONE instructor can take off and we'll have another for backup so that Tommy isn't losing time on speech (which seems to be what is helping most).


Another thing we're going to do is add vocational training with him, FROM HOME! In a, work from home sort of way.  All of the vocational supplies will be brought out here for him.  This is where I fell in love with my school district a little bit more.  See, once my husband retires.. we plan on opening our own business.  I won't get into the specifics, but it will be where Tommy will eventually work.  But, we're talking many many years from now.  The district wants to teach him the skills that he'll need even if it IS so many years from now.  At this point, Tommy is considered un-employable due to his behaviors, and his outright refusal to work.  We started tossing around ideas of different things we could do because Tommy does rate services from the district and the career center for vocational stuff.  There were really great ideas (bring out sorting materials (workshop stuff) to teach him how to sort inventory, bringing out a cash register and working hands on with ringing things up, making change etc.  I'm getting really excited about all of the ideas but thats when it hit me. I said "this all sounds fantastic! I love these ideas. But, they can't just SOUND good.  We can't say all of this and not have it happen."  This was the moment. She says:
"This doesn't exist right now, but I have to MAKE it exist. Tommy DESERVES to have the training. If he can't go into a program, we'll bring the program to him".


That's when all stress left my body.  It was like a swift wind came and swooped it all away!


Of course, I'm such a worry monster that while making dinner it dawned on me that.... what if he can't handle the workload????? AARRGGH!  I know.. i'm a mental case.  Big surprise.


We also talked about a camp he may be able to attend this summer AT THE HIGH SCHOOL!!! It's a camp which each week will have a different theme. He can attend 1 day a week, or 5 days a week. Whatever he can do.  It's can be a social outlet for him though. The bonus? The camp is run by the super-cool home school teacher that left us (Tommy really likes him), its also ran by his speech therapist, and his brothers. MEN!!!!!! Tommy's not a big fan of hanging out with women teachers.  


The plan is now in place.. now we just have to make it work. All he has to do is cooperate. Seems SOOOOOO simple. lol


I do want to thank you all for your support. I have been extra quiet lately online because I hate being such a downer.. and I haven't been feeling all that fun.  Now, maybe I can change that :)   


In 7 months... this boy will become an adult.  This is such a scary transition for me.   

Broken. I give up. I surrender

Yeah... stick a fork in me.  I'm just so done.  Have you ever just felt like, your SOUL was empty? I do.  My gauges are all empty.

It's been quite the week.  You ever have one of those days where it was going bad, but you're in denial.. refusing to let it go bad. just trying to stay optimistic? I swear I've been doing this for a week now.  I can't do it anymore.  it's a really fucked up week ok?  There. I said it.

I've been up to my ears in trying to run this homeschool for Tommy.  It's not easy. It's time consuming. Not just DOING it.. but the THOUGHT that goes behind having to plan the next day. On top of that.. trying to get OUT of this house and go to someplace OTHER than the grocery store. Or Walmart.  But, they're the only places he'll go and be APPROPRIATE so.. this is the only place we've been going.  It goes without saying, my depression is on HIGH ALERT.  I'm so fucking overwhelmed at all times that i just keep moving. Keep moving. Keep cleaning.. if you stop you have to think. I'm tired of thinking.

While i keep getting kicked down with daily close calls with mr. explosive over here sending me into daily multiple panic attacks.. my Best friends daughter passes away. Me, not even able to crawl out of my own hole, i've called her once.  I know she's falling apart, but i can't control myself right now for more than 20 minutes to even CALL her.  Joy I'm so sorry.  You have no idea how much of a mess i am already right now.  So please, if there's a worst friend of the year award.. please send it my way.  

I've shut down for everybody. My friends (both of them), my husband.. everybody.  I'm just fucking EMPTY as it is already.

So after that, my dickwad of a sorry excuse for a human being brother comes out of the woodworks again.  See, he's found Jesus again.. and now jesus will keep him sober.. again.  So he's plastering all over facebook things like:

i love you sister. i hope one day you can forgive me for the pain i caused you.I 

would be much more complete if i had you back in my life....

Or..


Today I really am missing my sister Rhonda.she is one of the most beautiful


 creations god has made. I just hope one day she can forgive me for the pain I 


have caused her.I pray everyday that god will bring her back to me and that we


 can build are relationship to the way it was.I would be so grateful if god 


answers my prayer.I miss her tremendously.Rhonda I love you so much I hurt 


everyday that I don't have you in my life.

_____________________________

2 weeks ago, i was a sorry excuse for a sister and... i'll spare you the detail.  2

 weeks ago, he was singing another tune.  This second one is posted on my 

MOTHERS page.. (which i've ASKED to be removed) for the world to see.  The 

world being... my daughter.  So today I had to have the talk with my daughter about just why I refuse to have anything to do with my brother.  Well, lets just settle with the 5k he borrowed and never paid back..  he's been a homeless addict for the past 2 years using and hurting everybody along the way and we do NOT let people like that into our lives.  "but he's your brother".  So now I have to deal with THESE emotions of having to be the asshole and not give him another chance.  "he's sober now.. he's found jesus".  Enough is enough.  Fucking addict losers.  I'M OVER THEM!  But thats always nice.. and easy.. to have to rehash more hatred and raw emotions of cutting your brother out of your life.. YET AGAIN.

And now.. that brings us to tonight.  The preliminary part of the neuropsych test was to start.  I'm still unsure of what happened exactly other than.. 3 questions in.. Tommy says "im outta here" and storms out of the office and into the bathroom. The instructor gave chase and put his foot in the door. I bolt down the hallway to stop the whole ordeal. "mr teacher, please move your foot. let him close the door" He was concerned tommy would lock himself in the bathroom. He will, but he wont hurt himself.  He's on sensory overload.  There's a loud fan running in there so you couldn't hear so well all of the cursing he was doing inside.  I immediately text hubs. GET HOME! (he was at work) THANK JEBUS FOR FMLA! I had been bribing Tommy with Dunkin Donuts after speech (knowing the demands today were going to be increased.. I wanted him to do the questions but focus on DD to get through the testing).  Again texting hubs.  10 minutes later, the waiting room is filling up.  I have to get him OUT.  I'm pleading with him to open the door.  But I'm having to yell because the fan was so damn loud.  (he was NOT getting DD and I was NOT going to bend) "Tommy, please let mommy in.. i can't hear because of the fan.. i just want to talk to you"  Mr teacher was calling maintenance to get the door open.  Suddenly, the door clicked.

I go in and lock the door and just sit on the floor across from him.  He's cursing me over and over. I don't even care. im texting hubs frantically. I'm trying to plan how i'm going to get him out of the building without him losing his shit.  Finally he engages me into conversation.

T- i do not get the dunkin donuts. maybe try tomorrow for snack?

M- I dunno bub.. we'll think about it (not wanting to make any promises).  

M- do you just want to go home? daddy is coming home for us

T- i want to go to dunkin donuts

M- i don't think so bub

T- I just want to go home

M- I think thats a good idea

T-I very sorry for the bombs (we're putting clothes back on at this point)

M- thank you bub. THank you for being sorry.  That makes mommy feel so much better. Maybe we should go tell mr teacher sorry as well and we'll do better next time.

He did. We left the office and I had him run up and down 3 flights of stairs.. twice.  He enjoyed it. I needed him tired.

He pulled out of all of this very smoothly.. but the reality of it all. I'm just done. I just want to call the district tomorrow and say FUCK!! THIS!! SHIT!!  There is NO program for him.. we're doing the LEAST amount of work possible and he's still so resistant.   

I wanted to kill time.. i didnt want to get home before hubs.  We stopped at the carwash. I could hose off the truck and just cry.  I froze.. and cried.  We drove home and I cried. I got home.. and lost it.  Hubs.. he's a mother effing saint.  He took over and i just laid in the garage and sobbed.  I am so fucking sick of this life.. I'm so sick of this depressing sucking the life out of me.. I'm so sick of every time I hear a loud noise in this house i JUMP up from wherever I am.  I'm so tired.  I'm so sad.  I really just need some good to happen. 

So yeah.. eval. Not a great start. At this point, i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll even want to continue doing speech with us.  

Dear Autism.  I officially surrender.

Seeing.... differences.

I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now.  There either just hasn't been time, or I haven't been in the right frame of mind to sit here long enough to bust out a blog.  


The homeschool teacher an I were sitting down going over some work for Tommy.  I had asked if she had any of the "News to You" on Mardi Gras.  I thought that might be something fun I could do with Tommy... plus I found this quick and easy YUMMY recipe for a King Cake that I am looking for an excuse to make.  Well, she only could find a few things on Mardi Gras due to February is Black History Month.  Ok, no big deal.  I start racking my brain on what we could do for Black History Month.. and immediately come up with Tommy's favorite person in the world right now.. Tyler Perry.


So, the weekend comes, and i'm still trying to come up with some ideas here. Go to the library is the only one I could think of.  But here's the thing.. Tommy doesn't see people in color.  He doesn't see DIFFERENCES in general.


This really came to realization yesterday when he was doing speech at the kitchen table.  I was in the office listening as I typically do.  He was given 2 cards and with a ZILLION prompts, he was able to find 2 differences in the 2 pictures.  He just doesn't see it.


So back to black history month.  When Tommy was in school, there was a black/african american aide in the class.  Courtney was her name.  She and Tommy loved one another.  She was born in Hawaii too! (same army hospital)  That's when we realized.. Tommy doesn't see in color.  We tried several times to ask differences in Courtney and in his teacher. The only thing he could come up with is the teacher wears glasses.  


So, I call my friend.  "What do I do? How do you teach black history month to a kid that doesn't see color???"  First we laugh.. remembering when I was trying to teach Tommy healthy eating.  (For some reason, he thinks the opposite of HEALTHY is SPICY.. i have no idea why lol)  When we were going over healthy foods and why it was so important to make healthy choices when eating.. That's when he decided Walmart was the best place to point out to everybody how FAT they are and how UNHEALTHY they are.  Though this all seems very funny, its hurtful to people's feelings.  In a situation when this happens, people aren't so kind to let me use them for a teaching moment for Tommy.  Honestly, I don't BLAME them!!  


So, do I want to point our COLOR to him?  Do I even take a CHANCE that this can/will become an obsession. Is he going to walk around town and point out all of the brown skin?? Not just black/african americans.. Japanese? Middle Eastern? Oy.


So my decision is.. to not.  I don't want to TEACH something he can't comprehend.  He loves everybody already.  He loves Rap music.. he's the best white-boy dancer around! lol  On the weekends, we spend the morning watching BET marathons of Everybody hates Chris, or Bernie Mac, or My wife and kids.  In my gut.. it just doesn't seem RIGHT.. to point out differences in people in this nature.  If his comprehension was a bit stronger, i could see him loving this project.  


So Happy Black History Month. We'll be celebrating in front of the TV every night at 5pm watching Tyler Perry shows as we do every night :)  That's the best we can do.

Guest blog- puberty

I'm over at Jill's place today doing a guest blog on puberty.  Check me out!

There's so many different things you can write about when it comes to puberty. I've come to a dead end I think. My daughter (NT, 14) and I talked a lot about this over the past week. Tommy loves to play on the PS3. He likes to mimic his dad (though Dad plays xbox 360) He likes to use the headset and yell and interact with people online while playing. He had been using a blue-tooth device similar to the one his dad uses on the xbox, but I would only allow 5 minutes of headset time because, you can HEAR that Tommy is special needs and I didn't want him to hear people making fun of him. While he was on the headset, I couldn't hear anything but I did figure out, with the help of my daughter, that he WAS being made fun of. We suspect people were calling him Timmy (from South Park.. Tommy would say "no!! I Tommy!! from OHIO!") 

At Christmas time he wanted these Sony ps3 wireles headset. $100 bucks. Fuck that. Little did I know, these would be the greatest thing i've ever purchased in a long time.

This is where his Autism comes into play.

He doesn't know how to hold conversations. If you're having a one on one conversation with him, he'll answer any of your questions, and ask if he has any. But it's never back and forth with any sort of inside information. So add to this that, while he's on this headset, lots of other people are talking and he doesn't know how to insert himself so he'll do a lot of LAUGHING while irritating people online (shooting THEM instead of the target, or crashing his cars into theirs when they're supposed to be racing) Or, he'll do this mumble jumble talking. Tonight it was "yabbada gabbada magabaga hahahaha" with tons of laughing. 

So why is this headset so wonderful?! I can mute the mic and he has no idea. Here you can see that all he likes to do is play for the social component. This is Mod Nation Racers. You play it like Mario Kart. But there is this lobby. ALL he wants to do is stay on the center of the spinning circle of course. It people crash into him or try to share the top with him, he gets all worked up and pushes them off. Thankfully they can't hear him screaming and yelling (mostly of excitement because he thinks its funny to crash). 

But, he's SEEKING this social component. WE HAVE ALL tried to work with him on guiding him through convo's online. First you have to have a willing participant. We set that up and he just lacks the interest. He lacks the cognitive ability to go back and forth. He just wants to laugh and have fun crashing with people. 

We've thought about having the Autism talk with him. To, try and help him understand that people get upset with him online, or will make fun of him online, if he doesn't behave appropriately. But, he's really not behaving INAPPROPRIATELY.. he's not causing harm per-say to anyone's vehicles.. he just bangs into them lol The point is. Do I want to break that naivety in him? Do I want to MAKE him aware that he's different and the world sucks? I don't really think he'll be able to UNDERSTAND the concept of that even. 

My daughter and I had a talk over the weekend while he was playing his game. "i wonder if he knows HE'S different, or does he think WE'RE all different?" "Or, does he think we're just all the same.. he's who he is, and we're who we are??"

I'm not really sure what to do about this. He's 17. I try to "socialize him" (in terms of different types of social groups we've attended) as a typical 17 year old. But, he's unable to do so. 

This is the hardest part of this stage of OUR puberty. He's approaching being 18. He's expected to act as an adult. He plays adult video games (per the rating system which he follows to a T!- that's another story) But the one part he really wants to do... he lacks the ability completely. 

Part of me wishes he was still into the cartoons and characters and such. That's where all of the NICE fun naive kids are that just want to be happy.

We're stuck with the asshole teens and adults that think its funny to make fun of people online. 

For now.. we'll just mute the mic. Until he figures out that nobody can hear him. Then, I'm screwed.

Consequences

Mod Spot- The lobby of an online PS3 game called Mod Nation Racers.  Its where you can meet other racers, see custom cars and characters, find other people to race with etc.


Sleepover-  Tommy sleeping on an air mattress. Doesn't quite matter WHERE it's at, he likes to sleep somewhere other than his bed (like Brianna does when she goes to a friends house to SLEEP OVER).  


Consequences.  I THOUGHT he understood them.  He MAY? I just can't tell.  I know he understands IMMEDIATE punishments for doing something wrong.. but consequences.. in the long term sense.. he just doesn't comprehend. I think..?


Tommy wanted to have a sleepover last night.  We've been so bored around here, it seemed like a good incentive to encourage his homeschooling.  Have a good week of home school and on Friday night, you can have a sleepover.  Seems simple enough.  Well, LAST time this happened, Hubs woke up for work at 4am and came downstairs to find Tommy on the PS3 in ModSpot with the Headphones/mic on screaming at people.  This is a GIANT(!!!!) no-no in this house.  Tommy SOUNDS autistic, so when he uses the headset/mic I MUTE IT! He's unaware that I mute it however. It's just what we do. Also, there's a LIMIT he's allowed to be on there. 10 minutes.  I know, sounds ridiculous. He doesn't DO anything though but SIT in the lobby. He likes to get is car on this merry-go-round thing that spins (big surprise) around slowly and you can see everybody and everything.  Well, people bump you, and this INFURIATES him.  His threshold is 10 minutes before he looses his shit.   When hubs has to get him OFF of the PS3, he's already lost his shit and he proceeds to curse hubs out.  Lovely.


Well, last night he wanted to try again.  We talked ALL day about NOT going on the PS3. Talking about the RULES. Going over and over that going on the PS3 is NOT allowed.  "if you wake up you come get mommy or daddy.. not PS3".  All day, all night we talked about this.  I stay up with him until midnight (as promised because the tv was to GO OFF at midnight).  SO at midnight, i tuck his bones in, turn the tv off, and remind him NO PS3.  


4am, hubs comes down to get ready for work, and he's on the PS3, headset and all. A complete repeat of the last time.  Hubs got him off the PS3 and gets cursed out. Tommy proceeds to come to MY bed all worked up. its 5 something in the morning.  I just am at a LOSS.  WHY!?!?!  HOW?!?!!  This just doesn't make any freaking sense to me.  WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!! over and over and over.. and 3 more times to make sure there were NO misunderstandings.  WHY?????  


So now, there will be NO MORE sleepovers.  Zero.  No Mas.  Sometimes I stand here in complete confusion. Is this an Autism thing? A "hey I'm a teenager and just being a fucking ASSHOLE" thing??  I don't know. I NEVER know.  It's SO FRUSTRATING! 


The cursing itself we've been trying to nip in the bud.  This one is hard because realistically WE curse. There's no way he can grasp the rules to when its allowed and not allowed.  I tried! We tried threatening losing Streak n Shake on Saturdays if there's cursing but.. then Brianna gets punished. What are we going to do, sit here and eat in FRONT of him?  


I'm not looking for answers.. I'm not even sure there ARE any.  I'm just so sick of beating my head into the proverbial brick wall constantly.  There are NO consequences for him.  If he's constantly punished for EVERY thing he does wrong, we'll end up where we were over the summer.  Or, we just let him have the run of the house except for when he LETS us tell him yes or no.  aaarrgghh!  


HOW DO YOU GIVE PUNISHMENT/CONSEQUENCES TO A PERSON THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT!?!?!  I've tried asking google.. they were of NO help to me.  


If you need me.. i'll be over here.. at the wall. Banging my head.

Epic RANT

I am FUCKING PISSED. 


COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED...


Once again I have to look at what that PRIOR PIECE OF SHIT SCHOOL failed at.  I've been doing homeschool with Tommy for a week now.  One week. 4 days to be exact.  In 4 days, I've figured out his 'trend'. 


Day 1- we have all the information
Day 2- whoops! dropped some info.. review review review
Day 3- gone.  "FOOTBALL?" 


Can I suggest something? When you're approaching your school with problems of comprehension... nevermind.. I HAVE NOTHING!


-smh-  


For 5 years.. I kept telling those motherFUCKERS that "his comprehension is NOT getting better".  SO they focus on teaching comprehension.


"HEY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! HOW ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THERE IS NO RETENTION??"


We start the neuro-psych eval next week.  NOW we'll get to the bottom of this.. IF there is a bottom TO this.  


How can you have a student for 5 years and NOT see this??? In the 5 years, 4 of the years was with the SAME teacher!!!!!!!!!!  HOW DOES THIS GO UNSEEN?!?!  

OMG my stomach is on fire.  Tears stream down my face as I type.  I want to punch each one of those motherfuckers in the throat for pushing Tommy aside as UNTEACHABLE and moving on to the nicer more teachable kids.  They're so not worth going to jail for.  Let me rephrase that.  They ARE worth going to jail for.. they're certainly not worth the BAIL it would cost to get me out.


I hope karma rips them a giant NEW asshole.. LITERALLY!  I wish eternal explosive horrific diarrhea on each and every one of those motherfuckers.  


Dear Monarch School for Autism-